I Am in Between

In All the Sunshine in the World, her third middle-grade novel in verse, Nashville poet and educator Caroline Brooks Dubois once again examines the aftermath of tragedy in the life of a young girl. This time, her subject is the sudden, shocking loss of a sibling.

What I’m learning is—
the world has moved on.
But the first thing
I remember
each day when I wake:
My sister is gone—
and nobody will talk about it.

The novel opens on the 13th birthday of Tolly Oliver, who lost her 16-year-old sister, Sunny, to a car accident only six months prior. Tolly reminisces about her family’s birthday traditions, such as “Fancy Birthday Breakfast,” and hopes the day will provide a happy respite for her parents, who have been mired in their own grief — and almost completely blind to Tolly’s — ever since Sunny’s death. Her mother, a party planner, and her father, a TV meteorologist, have disconnected from Tolly and each other and buried themselves in their work to cope with the pain. This morning proves no different. Tolly is disappointed to find no one waiting in the kitchen and no special breakfast. And her name is misspelled on the store-bought birthday cake she discovers in the refrigerator.

I haven’t asked for much these last few months.
No extra hugs, since their arms seem occupied.
No answers, which they haven’t volunteered.
I haven’t even asked them to talk about it—
even as IT
swallows
us
up.

Tolly feels the loss of her beloved sister deeply, but what she feels most acutely are guilt and fear. Sunny was supposed to pick her up from school that day and Tolly texted her repeatedly when she didn’t show up on time, so Tolly is afraid that she somehow caused her sister’s single-car accident. Because her parents won’t talk about it, she sets out on her own to gather information. She has to know what happened and whether she was at fault; maybe her parents blame her and that’s why they are ignoring her. When they finally acknowledge her birthday, she receives not a cell phone to replace the one she lost after the accident and desperately needs for eighth-grade acceptance, but a pair of hiking boots — a gift much more suited to nature-loving Sunny than to bookworm Tolly.

Caught in a rainstorm on her way to the first day of school, Tolly fantasizes about how an accident of her own might improve her life, as she imagines the headline: “Meteorologist’s Surviving Daughter Struck by Lightning.”

I’d be changed for life, though—
to a new and improved me.
They’d feel sorry while I healed
and sit at my side, spooning me
applesauce, wrapping me up
in their arms. Maybe then—
they’d forgive me.

Into this heartbreaking scenario, Dubois inserts the everyday cruelties of middle school, including Tolly’s rejection by her best friend and the consequent loss of her social group. When a kind counselor asks phoneless Tolly to head up a new school club designed for students interested in disconnecting from their screens — the Luddite Club — she is less than enthusiastic, but when that club merges with the Outdoors Club, she finds herself participating in new activities with a less cool but much more supportive friend group. She even manages to put her hiking boots to good use, which helps her feel closer to her sister. Still, she remains determined to solve the mystery of Sunny’s death.

I am in between—
between wanting
to be inside and to be outside.
Between two friend groups.
Between being a sister and not.
I am in between.

Far from being an obstacle to the reader’s enjoyment of the story, Dubois’ straightforward narrative verse is easy to read and a delightful way to present Tolly’s unique voice. She is a charming character, full of thoughtful musings and deeply felt longings, but doesn’t take herself too seriously. It’s difficult to follow her into the darkness of pain and self-doubt, but inspiring to watch her determination to find answers and work her way to forgiveness and something like peace for herself and her family.